Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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