Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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