I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
