remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
