apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
