I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
