I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
