Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
