I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
