the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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