My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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