using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
