Heybabeimwearingurpanties
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
