The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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