she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
