I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
