In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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