i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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