mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
