I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
