WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
