i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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