Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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