I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
