Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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