I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You can't motorboat a personality
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
