my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
