You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
