it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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