Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
