I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
