dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
