What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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