Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
