I skipped work to stalk him.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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