Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
