Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
