You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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