just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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