paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
