Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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