What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
