he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
