hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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