My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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