I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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