How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
