is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
