dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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