It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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